Congratulations Seniors you’ve done it! You Graduated! High school is over! Wait… I’ve just received breaking news; the Seniors still have another Quarter! They in fact, are not done with high school at all.

Around this time of year high school Seniors begin to feel the effects of a terrible and nearly fatal disease. This epidemic is known as Senioritis. Senioritis causes high school Seniors to feel the need to stop participating or in fact stop caring about school at all.

All Seniors feel the pain, but it is the strong who can fight the urge and continue to actually do their work and get good grades! The weak suffer.

The truth is Senior year is when you should be working the hardest. This is because the day you begin your college classes in the fall, your work ethic is expected to be at max potential. If all you’ve been doing throughout your high school Senior year is slacking and skipping homework, then when you have to suddenly read eighty-five text book pages in two nights you will have no idea what to do; panic; and ultimately fail.

“For the hundredth time, Senioristis is not a real disease!” explains Dr. John Doe when asked of the problems associated with the epidemic. We are convinced that even though Dr. Doe denies it, this problem has a serious potential to someday become a “real” disease only to be cured by trial and error.

“Senioritis make me hurt inside…” whimpers Como Park Senior Jesus Caballero when informed of his disease.

College is right around the corner students, so don’t lose it now. Stay on top of your game and keep those grades up! Only ONE more quarter, it’s not that hard to just do your homework and stay awake during class but it is very very important, especially with the AP Tests nearing.

Photo taken by Sam Daggy. edited by Shannon Hark

From start to finish, the gymnasium was drowned with laughter, with cheers from every class. The Senior-Faculty basketball game was on and everyone was having a great time. The good spirit and semi-competitive playing combined with Mr. Grebner’s hilarious announcing made the 50 minute game the perfect way to start Spring Break… and it only cost one dollar!

In the first half the game started with a tip off between senior Nic Svieven and counselor Rick Walker. The staff held a lead for a very long one and a half minutes and then the seniors kept the lead for the rest of the first half. Dan Heur’s “Illegal Shorts” caused all of the shots he scored to be worth no points.

At halftime, there was a “Halftime show” that consisted of cheers from the cheer squad, and an intense dance battle between the “gorgeous” staff dancers and the student dancers. The staff dancers ended with a hilarious dance that left everyone in tears from laughter.

In the second half, the seniors maintained a solid lead against the staff until their victory. The staff pulled many sneaky uncalled fouls, and Salman Kahn still didn’t even get close to scoring any points.

In the end, the seniors expectedly won, but that did not scare the staff. They are going to be back next year and they will be out for vengeance. They plan on enhancing their defense and hoping some of their teammates can grow a few inches for next year’s game!

Late last month some of you drivers might have seen a warning note stuck to your car windshield. Some of you even received a citation! Students are pushing buttons on teachers who are finding it harder and harder to find places to park. Students are parking far too close to school. Give the teachers a break! The complaints went to the school police officer and not only were students parking in teachers’ parking spots, but were parking without a permit.

For those who don’t know what permits are, they are a $25 sticker to place in your car to ensure you are allowed to park in the Como lot. The citations were given out after a strict warning, and unfortunately they cost about $40. Make sure you pay your fines and buy your permits. The officers have seemed to be lenient about parking, but when the students of Como Park invade the space of the staff things get pretty serious!

So remember, park in the space provided for students and buy the permit sticker to stay out of trouble and save money on the annoying cost of citations!

On February 1^st, a day earlier than most years, our good old buddy Punxsutawney Phil was released from his cage for his annual “I’m going to predict the future” appearance. To many, this is a great excuse to gather on the edge of our seats around the television wondering whether or not there will be six more weeks of winter or not. It’s determined on whether or not this oversized rodent “sees” its shadow or not.

As the large man in the goofy hat lifts up this massive groundhog, we all get our superstitious hopes up. Even though 99 out the past 114 groundhog days Phil has “seen” his shadow we hold our faith in that 13 percent chance.

It is peculiar that hundreds of people frantically gather to see, in person, their hopes shot down by a mammal a tenth of their size. As if his shadow doesn’t come from the hundreds of camera flashes, as everyone scrambles to get the exact same picture as the person standing next to them.

Even if the groundhog saw otherwise, we couldn’t possibly have spring in the middle of February here in Minnesota. To us, this Groundhog Day ordeal is merely just a waste of time.

Even when Punxy predicts the coming spring arrival, he is only right 39% of the time. Ask any teacher here at Como what grade you will receive with 39%, and you will indefinitely hear that a big fat N is imminent.

So, what really is the point of Groundhog Day? An excuse to bring in the big bucks? Just a pointless holiday to help us pick ourselves up as we get bored of our new Christmas presents?

Really, I would say the only reason this holiday has any point at all is because it’s mildly fun for the little gullible kids. Whether or not that’s a good enough reason to spend all the cash used to advertise and compile the whole ordeal, is your decision to make.

So, I hope you enjoy your next month and a half of Minnesota winter!

Mr. Hurtubise first conceived the idea for this suit in 1987 when he was watching RoboCop. On that day a legend was born. He justified it by coming up with many different field applications for the suit such as studying bears’ aggression and attack patterns.

In the early stages Mr. Hurtubise tested the suits himself and received a lot of media coverage. He was filmed being run over by a car, having logs smashed into him and jumping off of large precipices. People found this so interesting that there was a documentary made entitled “Project Grizzly.” This movie followed him during a year of research and development of the suit where he was seen doing the above testing and his day to day economic struggles with making it.

Seventeen years later, over 150,000 dollars spent, 2 bankruptcies, and a close call with divorce, he has gone through seven different models of the suit and come up with one that is completely bear and shark proof. Unfortunately, the market for bear proof suits is practically non existent. Hurtubise has turned the suit into a full body exoskeleton for the military called Trojan. He says it can be mass produced for fewer than 2,000 dollars per suit but the military wasn’t interested. So now the future of the suit and Mr. Hurtubise himself is in question.

BUY ONE NOW

SAVE THE SUITS

Week of October 12, 2009
In what can only be described as a coup of earthshaking proportions, Sam Carey brings his brand of hard-hitting and thoughtful reporting to the Como Crier. Sam comes to us from “People” magazine where he spent the past 12 years covering the lives of the rich and unhinged. “I had to get out,” said Sam, “If Brittany called me one more time at 3 a.m. to bring my camera and meet her at Perkins, I was going to snap. How many times can a woman shave her head? And really, it was only funny once. But I’m glad to be here. Who needs that drama?”

Week of October 26, 2009
“A riddle inside a mystery wrapped in an enigma” – these words, once uttered by Churchill, are also apt for our own Sam Carey. For, while many feel they know Sam, none can truly “know” him.
“Can you know the wind?” asks Jon Aslani.
“We went to kindergarten together,” muses Parker Hoffman, “but I have no idea who he is. Not really. No one does.”
“He’s dreamy.” Says Brittney S. “He always pays for my pie.”
Yet, there he sits – thinking thoughts far too deep for average mortals to comprehend. What will he say next? And when he says it, what will it mean?

“I’ve been an actor for 30 years!” exclaimed a flustered Brimley, “And yet I walk around and people tell me that I look like ‘that cat they’ve seen digging through their garbage.’ Not for the years of uncredited stuntwork, or the minor roles I played in movies like Last of the Dogmen or Cocoon, or even those damn Liberty Mutual commercials! After those came out everyone called me the diabeetus man, but even then they just look at me like I forgot to take my insulin!” he said to the press all the while focusing intensely on the coldly indifferent and mildly confused eyes of Fluffums.

This reporter was fortunate enough to catch the disgruntled man hours prior to the be all, end all match to hear him recount the events that lead up to now.

“Being fed up with all of these people saying that I look like that garbage-scavenging, over-sized rodent, you can imagine how angry I was when I learned that half of my royalty check had been deducted in order to pay for my novelty car horn. I was getting ready to drive over to Liberty Medical Center Headquarters in my drunken rage. I feel,” he ads on a side note, “that people listen to me better after I’ve had a few brewskis. But anyways, I was trying to find the door to the garage when I heard a rustling out back. Thinking it was those kids that are always walking around the neighborhood blasting their rap music, I grabbed a brick, which by the way is also a good argument tool, and stumbled out into the alley. That’s when I saw him. It felt like those old westerns I used to do, we squared off for a good 10 minutes. Me with my brick, and him with last week’s tuna casserole. After snapping out of my drunken daydream I chucked the brick at him, and that was that,” he stated triumphantly.

But that wasn’t the end of it. Over the next few weeks he encountered that same cat a total of 63 times, “as if it was on some sort of mission,” he said in an almost paranoid tone. “Enough was enough, so I decided to stare it down, and it just kept staring back. That’s when I got the idea to stare him into submission, and here we are.”

Indeed it seems that neither party has submitted to each other, nor do they show any sign of ending soon. One thing’s for sure though, it as an oddly awesome and strangely nostalgic sight to behold.

32 year old Minneapolis resident, and long time Republican, Brad Johnson had this to say on the matter: “At first I was worried about how such a drastic change would affect the party, but despite their cuddliness and overall playfulness, the party’s resolve is as strong as ever. I believe that they will help lead our country to a brighter, better, future.”

Many appear to share Brad’s optimism, as polls show that in the past month since the kittens have taken office, public support of the Republican Party has gone up an astonishing 68%. New head of the Republican Party, Mr. Snuffles, recently released their latest economic stimulus plan. The plan focuses heavily on instituting an increase in yarn balls and milk production.

Editor’s Note: This is a parody. The Republican Party is not really made up of kittens.